Thursday

A person can only take so much...

I wrote a letter to my Uncle Murray and Aunt Martha... I asked politely for the recipe for my Mom's lasagna and/or the bbq sauce if they had it. I even enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope for them to mail it back to me.

On the 25th of this month I hear back... same paper I sent to them ... 2 sentences "I have no idea" "Murray passed 3/25/2017". Signed simply "Martha" aka my Aunt.

I just froze.

THIS is how I hear about my Uncle... My Mom's ONLY brother dying? If he's even dead really because I searched all through the internet, newspapers, etc searching for his obituary with NOTHING coming up at all. It's kind of FUNNY that he died on 3/25.... cause that's his birthday. Like I wouldn't know that.

Either they didn't make it public that he died or she is lying to me... either way it is a COLD HEARTLESS way to be told that information in ANY light. It's not like she didn't have my freaking email address ... probably had my address too.... it's not like she didn't know how to contact me regardless. This just proved my theory... I mean NOTHING to these people. Never did.

And again... my heart broke.


I should have expected this. Truly. My 39 years on this earth ... this is the way they've always been. Cold. Uncaring. Unfeeling.

Also this isn't the first time my Aunt didn't tell someone about a family member's death. My great Aunt Daisy died and Mom & I didn't find out till we read it in the local newspaper's obituaries.

I don't know how to find out if he is truly gone or not... kinda funny not even an obituary or anything... I searched both funeral homes that my family used in the past with NO leads.

And frankly after that response.... should I even care anymore?

It hurts so bad to feel like my own flesh and blood doesn't give a damn about you. I was raised to VALUE family... yet, it's obvious, they do not value me.

I am 39 going to turn 40 this October 27th... I am getting TOO old for their uncaring ways making ME feel like I am not "good enough" for them. Truth is... they are not good enough for me. I am a great person to be in your family ... but the communication is a two way street... I am the kind of person that doesn't want to "bug" or "bother" people with my presence unless they WANT it... so if you don't write, call, contact me in some way shape or form... chances are unless I really want to, you won't hear a peep from me. Why should I put an effort into something that no one else puts the same amount of effort into?

With all of my various life experiences (highs & lows) and the situation of my health, I am really disappointed in my family for abandoning me after my parents passed away. They discarded me like I was even less than trash.

I don't know if they think I've done something wrong (in which case they should have been mature enough to COME TO ME with their problems with me instead of the behavior they are presenting now) or they are making me "pay for the sins" of my parents (which in that case most of which I probably know NOTHING about). Either way is completely unfair to me in every shape & form.

And I'm tired of feeling this way.

I am tired of caring about them

I am tired of them hurting me.

I wanted nothing from them save for them being my FAMILY and my mom's recipes if they had them. I wasn't going to ask them for money, I don't want anything from them except perhaps some time, memories we make, laughs we share, and love... but they are incapable of even that.

Take for instance when my mother was in the hospital DYING of cancer. All she asked was to see my Aunt Martha ... and she never came. Uncle Murray at least came ONCE. Her only sister... and she didn't come. Mom was very hurt by that. She cried. I hated to see my Mom cry especially as sick as she was (hardly able to breath, weak.... the cancer had taken it's toll). I hope she can live with that on her heart for the rest of eternity. It is something I will NEVER forget.

If it's true that my Uncle is dead that means my Aunt is the last of the 3 children of my Grandaddy and Mama Ruby. And if Karma is a bitch... if Karma truly DOES exist... then as bad as she's treated not only me, my parents, my grandparents (her own mom & dad), her children (even if they won't admit it), and various other family members across her entire lifespan.... then karma will leave her mostly alone and miserable like she's made all of us who suffered by her lack of emotions and feelings concerning her own flesh and blood.

If it's untrue about my Uncle being dead.... then this shows you what kind of person my Aunt Martha truly is. I have never been more ashamed in my life to be related to someone ... especially me with my big heart and how I am like Grandaddy in always helping people and putting others first like my Mom did... it's embarrassing to have a family member that is like this let alone one I was named after.

So for all those reading this ... this is why I've been away ... debating on how much of this information to truly share publicly. I decided it was just best for my conscience and heart if I just told the truth from MY point of view (there are always 2 sides to every story, this is just mine) and shared it with my readers.

With that said... I wash my hands of them FOREVER. I am done trying. I am done putting my heart up for the pain they repeatedly cause me. I am tired of them disappointing me at every turn. I am simply done.

Please. No sympathy.

None is needed.

It is what it is ... and I can live with it.

Question is... can they?

AtoZ Challenge: W = Wicked

THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST

W = Wicked

"All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then:
Let all Oz be agreed
I'm wicked through and through"
- Wicked Witch of the West singing NO GOOD DEAD From the Musical WICKED  


I never thought I was a bad person. 

Suddenly one day, the principal and vice principal have me in their office and my Mom is there.

"Ms. Pittman... you know why you are here?" - Vice Principal
"No Mr. Ezelle, I don't."
(Looks at my Mom) "Your daughter had been rumored to have a HIT LIST and is a devil worshiper."

That was the beginning... I had no idea what a devil worshiper was or a HIT LIST. The rumors spread behind my back had reached the principal and vice principal. Now here sat me and my Mom both having NO IDEA what was going on.

"I suggest she find God" 

I was sitting there completely shocked. I was scared. I had no idea what was going on. After we got home, Mom said nothing but she talked with Dad when he got home. The next day I was taken to a LECTURE about the evils of being a devil worshiper. All the man did was show me a VHS tape and I laughed at most of it ... it was like a bad horror movie documentary. 

When I got home I researched what a HIT LIST was and what it meant to be a devil worshiper. I was surprised to find out the answer. A HIT LIST was a list people formed of those they wanted to hurt but mostly it was a list of people they wanted DEAD. WHAT?!?! I didn't want anyone DEAD! What the fuck? Seriously? I was appalled that ANYONE would think this of me. I cried for hours.... days... weeks... a month... then I snapped out of that. 

For that long month Mom and Dad took me to church. The first day I walked in a lady asked me if I wanted to be saved and I said sure.... I was thrown up front of the church and had NO IDEA what was going on. I could see it was making my Mom and Dad happy so I went along with it. They said I was saved... 2 weekends later I was baptized still not knowing a single thing. After I was baptized and joined the church.... the entire church just stopped talking to my parents and me and then.... a lot of DRAMA started among deacons so Mom and Dad agreed we'd just leave. And we did... but my quest was NOT over...

I was determined to learn who started these rumors about me. 

I started my detective work on that end all the while researching what devil worshiping was and it lead me to discover the Church of Satan. I became facinated with reading everything Anton LaVey wrote .... the Satanic Bible, the Satanic Rituals, the Satanic Witch... and so on... I read everything I could get my hands on about Satanism, Wiccans.

I found out who started the rumors. I made a LIST ... ironic isn't it. I got a diary and wrote those named down and called it the KARMA LIST. I would seek NO REVENGE on those who said these things about me and almost ruined my life. I had read in some Buddhist writings that Karma has a way of dealing out just punishment to those who have done bad things to you. Seek no revenge yourself... the negative energies they put out into the world will one day return to them. I was happy thinking that thought. 

I went from Catholic, Baptist, Methodist... every religion I could trying to find my place. 

I finally settled in a Baptist church. I thought I had found a home... but they called me ANTI-CHRIST and preached a sermon about how wicked and evil I was. 

That's the day I left religion behind for good.

Am I wicked? Probably. I don't doubt I am. But I try to be a good person. I don't believe in anything but myself... I know that if I do right by people and am a good person that things will work out in the end. I just refuse to worship anything... god or devil. 

I do love me some Lucifer though. 

Why?

Think of this...  God created Lucifer and he was God's most BEAUTIFUL and BELOVED angel. He rebelled against his father because he felt unloved.... WHO HASN'T DONE THAT?!?!? If it's a true story that would make LUCIFER the first REBEL. That's a hero... not a devil. 

So anyway, that's this entry in the challenge. Bet I get a LOT of heat over this. 
 
 

Wednesday

AtoZ Challenge: V = Vacations


THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST

V = Vacations


Mom and Dad would always take me on Vacation from Selma, Alabama to Gulf Shores, Alabama. I love Gulf Shores. It is a beautiful beach where everything is just laid back... relaxing. It doesn't have a lot of "young" things to do for "young" people but there are lots of things to eat, shop, and explore. I enjoyed our family vacations there every year.

I went to Panama City Beach, Florida for Labor Day in 1996 and I loved that too. PCB is just a little too... immature for me though .... lots of teens and young adults hang out there for Spring Break and Labor Day so it's best to go there at different times. I did have a good time when there especially at Gulf World and Shipwreck Island.

My ex took me to Ohio. I wasn't impressed. No offence Ohioians... it's just not the kind of place for me. I enjoyed the Canton Car Museum... the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame was a waste of time. I loved the Akron and Cleveland Zoos and the Submarine next to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame made me scared cause I am scared of enclosed spaces. 

I don't get to vacation anymore because of money issues.... but I live in Mobile, Alabama which isn't that far from water in any direction. We have an island called Dauphin Island here that is so beautiful and the beaches are just awe inspiring. There is a lot to do within an hour driving distance you can be in Gulf Shores but Mobile does have a lot to shop, eat, and explore. 

I adore it here.

Tuesday

Update

Sorry I haven't been replying to anyone or really active on here. All the AtoZ challenges are PRE scheduled for posting all 30 days so I have not been here. Lot of bad things going on right now... back to back. I might talk about it when I know more tomorrow or the next day. I lost a kitty that is one bad thing... and I am struggling.... and then there is another issue.

Just keep me in your thoughts.

Thanks.

AtoZ Challenge: U = Ugly


THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST

U = Ugly

I've never claimed to be a beautiful person on the outside... I think my personality makes up for all my downfalls... or at least I hope it does. I wanted to take one post to point out all of my flaws... all the UGLY parts of Martha.

I bite my nails ... yea, sadly I have since I was 8 ... and I can't stop. Nail polish doesn't work on my nails either so it's a lost cause trying to make it look pretty.

I have a big nose. I've always hated my nose. German nose.

I am fat... and I can't help it. It's genetics and the medicines I take. Believe me I beat myself up about this far more than anything else. I have gotten used to the name calling cause I've been called "chunky" or "fat" my entire life.

I am short. Yep... 5'0" here.

My toes make a lot of popping noises.

My health... we all know I have LOTS of health problems... it sucks but I survive.

I don't like to lose but I am not a sore loser by any means. I won't pitch a fit but I am not real happy about being defeated in anything.

I am a glutton. I love food.

I get jealous a lot... can't help it. With what I've been through saying I have "trust issues" is an understatement.

I cuss a lot. Yea, from the moment I was a little 4 year old and the word "fuck" left my mouth.... I haven't stopped and don't plan to. I mind my manners in public but if I am comfortable I'll let 'em fly.

I crush over fictional characters and people I can't have. I think that says it all.

I want things to go my way in my favor... all the time and I get upset when they don't.

Since taking my depression pills my anger is curbed a lot but I used to have a temper.

My teeth are too big for my mouth. I was supposed to have braces at 12 but Mom and Dad couldn't truly afford them.

I am sneaky as fuck. Sneeeeeeeeeeak.

I worry too much.

I overthink EVERYTHING.

I have a big heart and I tend to get it hurt way to much.

I am over emotional, empathic, and highly sensitive.

I hold grudges.

I remember EVERYTHING. It's a burden and a curse sometimes.

I can't work because of my heart attack, asthma, and mental conditions.

I quote music and movies all the time.

I've trolled before and I'll probably do it again.


So there you have it.

Monday

AtoZ Challenge: T = Teaching Music

THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST

T = Teaching Music

Some of the most fun I ever had in my life was when I was allowed to teach music in some form or fashion.

The first time I taught music was when Mr. Kilmury allowed me to take over the Beginning Band Class for about 45 minutes one day (I was around 14 at the time) and I had them playing really well... when he walked back in his mouth dropped to the floor... they were playing PERFECTLY and it was a song he never even worked on with them. He told me then I should consider teaching music...

I planned to do that ... but got side tracked due to scholarships falling through (See the letter K for more on that). But once I was on track ... being a music teacher was all I ever wanted to do. Mr. Kilmury had let me run band camps teaching new kids how to march, beginning band, and even take over the marching band ... but when I got to college .... it was different. 

The first time I taught a class in college was when my Music Appreciation teacher asked me to take over her class for a few days and I did. I taught Music Appreciation and they learned a lot. Lots of the students found me after class to thank me for making it so interesting. 

Many times my professor wouldn't find her way to class so I'd have to take over Music Theory.... and I enjoyed EVERY minute of being a teacher.
I began giving private lessons in 1997... and I was making a fair amount of money. It wasn't about the money... it was about teaching. 

Sadly because of schools cutting funding or putting all towards athletics.... most music programs are getting cut from schools.