The child... my child.
I heard your heart beat. I saw you on the ultrasound.
In the end, I wasn't strong enough. I lost you.
I am so sorry my darling little one.
I love you.
Take care of my Mom and Dad as they take care of you.
We'll be together again SOMEDAY!
C talked me into quitting the music I loved and just staying at home. I couldn't handle the pressure C's mom, B, placed on me. B had told me that I was good for nothing and would never be good enough for her son. "The child is a bastard," B had told me, "You should abort it or NO ONE will ever want you." I was faced with a dilemma. In a rather rash and unplanned decision, C, my Mom, and I went 65 miles to the abortion clinic.
I went in with my mother and filled out the paper work as C waited in the car. My heart was hurting...I was very doubtful. The next question on the paperwork asked 'Why are you doing this'. I hesitated. I looked at my mom.... then looked back at the paper. Taking a deep breath I wrote 'cause everyone thinks it is for the best. The nurse was frank with my mom. They could not perform the abortion because of my answers to the paperwork. Mom was very mad. I tried to calm her but could not, so I headed back outside. C took the news rather well. A few hours later, mom decided that being a Grandma would not be so bad. The outcome looked good for my baby and me.
It was the last of November to early December when I started bleeding. I noticed the pain was getting unbearable. B had stressed me out again telling me that I would never be good enough for C. I went to the Dr. Many times and they told me not to worry so. Then they told me I wasn't worrying enough. Confused, Angered, and in pain I decided I would just take it easy...and have this baby no matter what the cost. The last Dr. visit was still clear in my mind when I awoke on December 23rd bent triple in pain. I remembered the baby's heartbeat and smiled though the pain was so terrible. I picked up the phone and called mom at work. Mom took me immediately to the Vaughn Hospital where 3 hours passed while in the waiting room.
The Doctor never showed he just talked to me over the phone. "You have a 50/50 chance of loosing your baby," the Dr. Said coldly. I was determined the baby and I would be ok at home with family during the Christmas season. C told me he didn't think I was that bad in pain and he left for the holidays going to a little town where he could visit with his grandparents and hunt deer.
I stubble into the bathroom that night. I felt rather well for some odd reason. The pain had stopped earlier. I didn't even think...and the next thing I knew something big slipped from between my legs. I looked into the toilet. "MOM!" I screamed.
Time moved so fast from that moment till mom had me at the other hospital's ER. Suddenly I came back into reality when the ER doctor walked in. He was young and could tell he didn't like to say what he had to.
"Umm, Martha...ummm... I hate to be the one to tell you this but, ummm, you have lost your baby," the young ER Dr. explained.
I didn't know how to feel....
That is the last moment I felt.
That I remember feeling.
I guess I died that day.
Yes, I had a DNC done the next day. C never showed. Hunting deer was more important than being at his girlfriend's side in her time of need. His fucking mother wanted to come and I told Mom to tell her no. I didn't want to see her. Hell, I didn't want to see myself. I couldn't feel.
At first I didn't want to be a Mommy. When that test turned positive I freaked. I was only 19. I wasn't old enough to take this step. I had graduated high school 5 months prior and was in college majoring in Music Education at the time. A baby wasn't something I wanted or planned. It just HAPPENED.
Did I love the father? NO. After telling him I was pregnant and he didn't want me or the child every ounce of love I had for him just faded away. I found myself thinking I could raise my child by myself. Lots of women do it...then Mom and C (whom I was dating) wanted me to abort it.
Why did I change my mind at the abortion clinic? What made me answer Why do you want to go through with this? with "because everyone says it is the best thing for me"? I don't really know what my intentions were that day...all I did know was I drove away still pregnant.
Mommy. Martha. Mama. Martha. Mom. Martha. Mommy I love you. I could live with that.
Then I started picking up things...in pink. Baby Bottles, blankets, photo albums...just things. I started eating funny. More. Even strange combinations (pickles and ice cream). I was gaining weight. I was talking to my tummy. I even said she many times and then came the baby name books...then there came the name...NATASHA DANIELLE.
So in my mind it was settled...didn't know if it was to be a girl...that is what I wanted... name was settled...never mind the complications...having to go to the Doctor because I am bleeding when I shouldn't be...never mind the cramps I keep having. I was going to have her. The Doctors said don't worry then they say the next visit you are not worrying enough. Ignore the Doctors....hug the ultrasound pic of the baby...love her. Hear her heart. Glow because she is there. She is mine.
Miscarry at 4 or 5 (can't remember) months.
Die completely inside.
No Mommy I love you.
She left me. Why? Was I not a good enough person to be her Mommy? I know I had done horrible things in my life but wasn't that all forgivable now? Couldn't I have HER? Couldn't she be MINE? The one thing that would love me without any holding back and the one thing that would allow me to love and spoil her COMPLETELY...UTTERLY. Why wasn't she there? Did I do wrong?
I was awake that night on the hospital bed waiting for the next morning when a DNC would be done debating why Natasha was gone. I panicked. No. Don't remove what is left of her. Leave her with me. Please. But something inside me said for ME to go on I had to let them finish this.
So I did.
Who cares that it was Christmas Eve. I am dead. She is gone. Go through the motions. Got released from the hospital just a few hours ago. All clean. All baby less. Who cares. I do. Numb. Empty. My heart isn't there. Go to Grandmothers. "Merry Christmas" Yea..."fuck you" too.
Christmas? Who cares. She isn't here to celebrate. She isn't inside me. Who cares? Go through the motions endlessly faking. No one seems to mention it. No one really understands. Does anyone care? SHE WAS MY BABY! I yell to myself. Damnit someone say they are sorry. Silence. Alone in this. Figures.
New years. Whisper in the wind...I miss you Natasha. I am sorry.
Marriage to an asshole. Says no one would love me because I killed my baby. Did I? Now I am a baby murderer. Beatings. I deserve this. After all I killed her.
A voice in my dreams. Mommy...I love you.
Stupid dreams. She's gone.
Cheating asshole. Wanna kill him like he claims I killed my child. Divorce him and on the day it is final tears...and a promise never to let this happen again.
Acceptance. Finally. I didn't kill her. I loved her.
Time passes. Never forget. Whispers in my heart.
Mommy I love you.
I will never hear those words... and even now I sit here crying because I think this is the FIRST time I ever expressed everything I felt those days. I still go through the motions...but inside I think a piece of me died when Natasha did. So every year I avoid Mother's Day like the plague...usually give my Mom her present early and try not to think...it hurts too damn bad. I want to hear MOMMY I LOVE YOU...but I can't...and I won't.
So... for the first time EVER I am sitting here and thinking I was a Mom once. I might have lost her but she was there...and she still is in my heart. I know that. I will NEVER forget her...never stop loving her. She was a part of me. A part like so many others that I lost. How wonderful it would have been to hold her. To hear her voice. To simply glow with her. Play with her. Watch her grow. Teach her. Watch her become a SUPER woman. Encourage her. Spoil her rotten with affection. Kiss her every waking moment. Show her she is wanted and loved.
But I can't. I am not a Mommy...I was once. A long time ago.
So let me say this and get it out of the way... you women out there who have children are LUCKY. I miss my Natasha. Wish I could hear her voice and hold her but I can't. Value your children. Value the little things like a small kiss or holding of the hand or "I love you Mommy" cause some of us out here are not so damn lucky.