Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Domestic Abuse & Divorce


My Story...

The first man I married "C" I thought I loved him. Truth was I didn't. I didn't want to go through with the marriage. Mom thought he was a good guy... so I did marry him... January 17th, 1997.

What we didn't know what went on behind my back. I heard SO MANY things after our divorce was final. How he got another woman pregnant. He'd go over to her house in my car... I don't want to talk about all that. What I need you to know is I filed for the divorce after fighting with myself for 9 months... I didn't want to end the marriage because I felt like I didn't want to be "DEFEATED". Yet for 9 months "C" and his family especially his mom "B" would verbally and emotionally abuse me. "C" did several times physically abuse me as well. For 9 months I thought that I would be the failure if I filed for a divorce.

What I learned during those 9 months was that I am stubborn. This man tricked me into marrying him. When he proposed to me he said I "had to marry him" cause "no one would want someone who killed her own child". He fed on my vulnerable state from just having lost my child to a miscarriage at 4 months along. He took that and twisted, manipulated me into marrying him. Then he cheated, got someone else pregnant, abused me... he thought he was in control.

Finally, one day... I WOKE UP.

It happens at different times for different people. You finally see the light. You get this ... sudden realization that this isn't what you want or signed up for. I did. It took 9 months to get there. Thankfully that is fast considering things. I filed for a divorce 9 months to the day of our getting married. He wouldn't sign the divorce agreement. I didn't ask for anything but $500 dollars and my NAME back. He prolonged it ... drug it out. I don't truly know what he was trying to accomplish but whatever it was... he failed. It was final and over May 8, 1998.


Now after that, I fell into a wild streak. I went to so many parties. I drank... I guess I was trying to forget the horrible things I had gone through... losing a child, a husband... it was a lot for someone who was my age (just out of high school) to go through. I tried other relationships but none meant ANYTHING TO ME... and I felt alone. I felt like that would always be the case.

The worse thing in the world for anyone to do after a divorce is rush into another relationship. I rushed into so very many trying to fill a hole that was left. I wanted so much but no one wanted what I wanted. So I drank... and I kept on going. I wasn't strong at this point in my life. I admit that now. I was still grieving for my child. I still grieve for her to this day but I felt that "C" had tainted me with the miserable situation of the marriage and the divorce. Who'd want me now? That was him talking to me ... still manipulating me after the divorce.

In December of 1999 I met someone online named "J". He was bored cause all his friends were at Christmas parties and he wanted someone to hang out with. We met and went out on a date. It went very well. He invited me to his home for the Christmas holiday and I went. Stayed all through New Year... then I let him convince me to stay and not go back home. He proposed to me and we began planning a nice sized wedding. His oldest sister took control and when I told the family my concerns about her controlling MY wedding... she went ballistic on me threatening me. "J" NEVER took up for me.

So instead of the wedding I wanted "J" and I got married in a courthouse on April 5th, 2000. His family constantly hassled me about how he didn't love me, how horrible I was, this and that... his older sister especially hated me cause I was being good to her kids taking them out to eat... and her husband at the time was a druggie. He did some things, the cops were called SEVERAL times, yet according to her I was the bad guy... not him. So, my parents offered to move "J"'s trailer from the current location to a place on our property in my hometown. My parents spent THOUSANDS of dollars to do this.

Once we got there and settled in, My parents had to go into another state to work cause of the kind of work they were doing. "J" started this whole thing about how my parents didn't truly love me and how he disliked them even though they liked him. He manipulated me into hating my parents because they were not sending us money constantly ... and he didn't like that. He changed a lot from the moment I married him. Everything I liked he thought was stupid. He told me not to watch WWE or horror movies cause it was all fake and a waste of time. He took who I was and what I liked ... he stripped me of my identity. He tried to make me who he wanted me to be. He would embarrass me in front of his family and friends. If I started to like something he liked, he would find a reason to dislike it.

I got really sick. I am an asthmatic since birth but over the years I developed allergies, hyperthyroidism... and for some reason blood pressure became high and so did cholesterol. So around the end of July 2012 I got really really sick. Throwing up for 2 weeks straight. He wouldn't let me go to the doctor saying we couldn't afford it when he had coverage from work (not the best but some). I asked for a sprite cause I couldn't keep anything down and when I am throwing up SPRITE helps. He told me "What have you done to earn it?" I didn't get the sprite. I called my parents who were back in state and had been for a while. They settled in the lower part of Alabama while I was in the upper part. Mom and Dad didn't hesitate to drive the entire distance to get me. I left on October 8th.

October 20th I woke up... shaking. My heart racing. Sweating. Left arm numb. Mom rushed me to the local doctor... they called an ambulance. Off to the hospital I went. They informed me they were going to do a heart catheter. When I woke I was told... "You suffered a massive heart attack. The main artery of your heart was 100% closed. You are lucky to be alive."

If I had stayed with "J" I would have been DEAD. My mom saved my life.

While in the hospital Mom called "J" to tell him I almost died he replied "OH" and Mom said he sounded like he could have cared less. He didn't call or come see me... nothing. For 2 months he only contacted me through EMAIL and he DEMANDED a divorce and I'd get nothing. I kept telling him NO. I wanted to work it out. Sound familiar? I am a stubborn little bitch.

Anyway, I convince him to come get me and let's try to save our marriage. From the moment I got back there he was cold, mean, cruel... telling me how he didn't care about my medication or circumstances. How no one liked me and never did. He FORCED me to sign a divorce decree and told me if in 4 months things didn't improve he would file it but he would discuss it with me first.

4 months later... he walks in the door says he filed it. NEVER ONCE TALKED WITH ME ABOUT IT. He lied. He tossed me out. Kept all my dad's tools and my grandparents furniture... left me with hardly anything. I went back to my parents and this was in April... but sadly I lost Mom in July and Dad in December... 5 months apart. Now I am all alone.

"J" robbed me of time with my parents. Something I can NEVER get back. He manipulated and tricked me. Not to mention also that a lot of my parents belongings came up missing, some of mine too... I think he pawned or sold most of it. I was also told by someone that my Mom's Brother (my Uncle) claims that 2 credit cards were maxed out and he thinks I did it but I bet anything "J" got his hands on them and did it... I know nothing about it. Also "J" owed my parents THOUSANDS of dollars for the move and other things he borrowed the money from. He claims it was OWED to him and he owes no one nothing.

The divorce decrees he pays me $300 a month for 3 years ... he has NEVER sent me $300. He'll send me $100 or $150 a month. Not even enough to survive on.

Also, get this... he remarried 5 months after our divorce. My lawyer, his judge friend, and many others I have told this to all agree... he was cheating during our marriage.

He always manipulated me .... called me stupid or bad names. His family treated me like I was the plague and would constantly down me. "J" encouraged his family and friends to down me at EVERY opportunity. It was hell on earth. Thankfully, it's a hell I escaped... and barely with my life.

How am I now? My heart is at 40%. Doctors monitor me regularly. I can barely afford my medication.... fuck, I can barely afford food most days. The only thing that keeps me going is memories of my Mom and Dad. How they wouldn't want me to give up. So I don't. I live in a place I am not comfortable with but thankfully it is a roof over my head. (I was supposed to inherit my Mom's house but the other family members won't let me so I have no home and yes I do think some of it is because of what "J" did to them).

I try to make it day by day. Survival is my key goal now. "J" doesn't send money most times and if he does it's only $150 at the most. I can't do much with that. I am trying to do other things... and looking into other options... but that's my personal business and I don't want to air that online... I am a very private person.

If you are so private Martha, why tell all this?

SO it can help someone else.

If you are being abused emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually... WALK AWAY. Save yourself. No man/woman is worth it. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Fuck ... you don't need another fish. You can do it all by yourself.

I am learning to... it's a swim against the stream kinda world when this has happened to you. When you have no friends... no family... and no one to rely on. When your ex has turned everyone against you with his lies and manipulations.

See "J" didn't just lie to me and my parents... he lied to his family and friends too. And the thing is they BELIEVE him. He feeds them lies, manipulates them... and they eat it up, ask for more, and then spout lies and hate against me.

It's a vicious cycle.

Divorce isn't pretty. But neither is staying in a place you are not loved and wanted.

Did "J" love me? Honestly... no. He didn't. "J" loved "J" and was only in it for "J". I wasn't his concern or problem unless I added something he wanted. Otherwise I was easily tossed aside and ignored if I couldn't be used to his advantage. I don't think "J" knows what love is... and I doubt he ever will.

Did I love "J"? Before marriage, YES. I did. I adored him. When we married he changed. That was not the "J" I fell in love with... that is not what I signed up for. It took me 13 years to escape the HELL that was "J". The lies, manipulation, the constant threats ... I look back now and see, I should have left when it all changed. But for some reason... he convinced me... had me believing I needed him.

Truth is... no. I didn't. No one needs someone who is going to lie, use, abuse, manipulate, discard you. I never needed "J". But he had me thinking I couldn't make it out here without him. I am glad I am proving him wrong EVERY FUCKING SINGLE DAY I AM ALIVE AND BREATHING.

Don't stay if you are unhappy. Don't stay for the "Kids". Don't stay if you don't "LOVE" someone. Do not be afraid to walk away and stand tall on your own. You got to find your own happiness. Don't let someone take it from you. Learn from my mistake... see what I did... I lost so much time with my family... lost all my friends.... lost EVERYTHING .... and now I stand here empty handed and with nothing but regrets. Don't be me.

That's all I have to say about this. It's still very painful.

Ladies, it's never right to lower yourself to what these men WANT you to be... BE WHO YOU ARE. If you have to change to please them, they are not worth your time. A Narcissist will trick you into thinking they love you, need you but then they turn around and use you, abuse you... and discard you.

ABUSE IS WRONG IN ANY FORM. If you need help please seek it... don't stay some place where you are dealing with sexual, emotional, mental, or physical abuse. GET HELP. GET OUT OF THERE. You CAN make it alone. You are a strong woman that needs NO man to define who you are.

Take control of your life.

If any of you need to talk, I am always available, please feel free to email me at monstermartha@gmail.com

I am proof you can walk away... you can SURVIVE!

You've got to be your own HERO. Don't wait for someone to save you. YOU SAVE YOU! All it takes is a moment of courage. Know that you can live your life without a man. You can do anything if you set your mind to it. If he is the violent type, seek police when leaving, tell them the situation, tell them why you need to leave. If you don't feel right going to the cops, there is still help. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is always there for you. Trained advocates are available to take your calls through their toll free, 24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Or if you are online they have a webpage with chat options at http://www.thehotline.org/

You may not even know it's abuse. Find out if you are being abused at http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

On average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year.

Don't be one of the ones that doesn't survive. You can DO this!

1 comment:

  1. YES, YES, YES... walk away! It is not surprising that you fell for "fake love" not once but twice, I did it three times! You were so desperate to feel loved and comforted that you were willing to accept what was offered, and stay long after you realized what it really was. Like you, I didn't want to accept defeat, didn't want to admit I couldn't make it work. I have since learned that once person cannot make a relationship good no matter how hard they try, it takes two. I am thankful you escaped with your life, just barely! The rest is just stuff and doesn't matter. I am sure you have talked to legal aid about getting the money and house you are supposed to get. J's pay and income tax return can be garnished if he doesn't pay up. You deserve it. I know too the story of being made to feel you aren't worth anything until you almost begin to believe it yourself. My marriages damaged my relationships with my parents and family too, and I regret that. But we pick up the pieces where we are now and we rebuild ourselves stronger, smarter, better, and move on. There is still real love to be found in this world, my life is living proof of that. It took me til after 50! You are young and can do and be anything you want, follow your heart! Writing all this pain out is good for your soul, when you write it you can release it and set yourself free. XOXO


I will respond when I can. Thank you for your opinions and comments.