This week’s Five Minute Friday prompt is:
I have never felt like I was ENOUGH. Good enough, smart enough, talented enough. Despite the fact that a lot of people tell me I am talented and smart... it still doesn't matter. I feel like a disappointment most days.
I don't know if most of this is because of my depression or if it is something else harbored deep within me.
I don't think I am dumb by any means. I am smart about some things I care about but I feel OBLIVIOUS to other things that really don't interest me at all. I also don't think I am the MOST talented person in the world but I know I have some talent and I feel like it is wasted. As for being GOOD enough... I don't think I am a good person. I am not a bad person either. I, like most people, have my good days and my bad days... but I don't think anything I do is GOOD enough to meet standards set by any one. Especially myself.
I tend to disappoint myself more than I can express in writing this.
I am always left to wonder if my parents thought of me as a burden or a disappointment. Was I enough for them?
I also sometimes wonder why I wasn't ENOUGH for my ex's. Not that I care anymore.
These are just random thoughts about myself.
Then I will do something EXTRAORDINARY and think... Damn I am awesome.
I don't live my life anymore trying to be GOOD ENOUGH for anyone. I am good enough for me. Perfectly flawed in EVERY way... and that is who MARTHA is.