AtoZ Challenge: N = Natasha


N = Natasha

Natasha Danielle .... my daughter. I lost her to a miscarriage in 1996 at 4 months along.

Most of what happened can be read over in the menu to your right... what I have to say here is what I was truly thinking and have not shared with anyone.... till now.

I was scared when that EPT pregnancy test showed positive. I was 18 about to be 19 and I was gonna be a mom. It didn't help that Mom was furious with me... and it damn sure didn't help that I just left home because I felt I could do it all on my own.

Even though I had several guy friends who said they would be the Dad to my baby... I confronted the real dad only to have him tell me to my face he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. Then I find out later on that he had gotten several other girls pregnant too. I was heartbroken. I think that was the moment I knew that guy will say anything they want without fear of consequences... and that is unfair.

When Mom drove me to get an abortion... I truly didn't want to do it. When I wrote down the reason why being "cause everyone thinks it is for the best" and they told Mom I couldn't do it, I was relieved. I didn't truly want to do it... it scared me.

When Mom later said she could get used to being called a grandma... I was thrilled. I knew my kid was gonna be spoiled... but I was not doing to be the only one to do it.

I knew what I wanted to name her. NATASHA DANIELLE. I picked that name because ... it was the name of the baby I had named of me and a guy friend in high school who did the home-economics carry a baby around assignment. I liked that name... and in truth, I was madly in love with him but he could have cared less about me.

I bought little things here and there .... preparing to be a Mom on my own. I could do this. I could TOTALLY do this. I was excited. I started thinking about what she could do... and I got more excited.

When I miscarried... I didn't really have any thoughts or feelings because truly I checked out. All the dreams I had came crashing down at once and I was just lost.

What hurt most is watching all my peers around me have children and I had lost mine. I'd never get to hold her and go through everything with her. So much is missed. It hurt like hell. I had dreamed of her being good in music like her Mom.... maybe a little of her Dad's wit.... but she'd be so awesome with music and acting... and a good student. To now be denied all those dreams... all the love... was devastating.

So there you have it. A few more thoughts to elaborate on my little girl... whom I know my parents have with them... wherever they are.

1 comment:

  1. Natasha Danielle is a beautiful name, and I'm sure she likes it too. She is with your family that has passed over, those who loved you so dearly, and you will get to finally meet her one day, just as I will the little one of mine who I miscarried. I know how it rips your heart out, leaves you feeling numb. I will always wonder what mine would have been like, just as you do about Natasha, I think you would have done your very best to be a great mom and love her liked your mom and Granny loved you. I am glad she still holds a very special place in your heart. <3


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