THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST
N = Natasha
Natasha Danielle .... my daughter. I lost her to a miscarriage in 1996 at 4 months along.
Most of what happened can be read over in the menu to your right... what I have to say here is what I was truly thinking and have not shared with anyone.... till now.
I was scared when that EPT pregnancy test showed positive. I was 18 about to be 19 and I was gonna be a mom. It didn't help that Mom was furious with me... and it damn sure didn't help that I just left home because I felt I could do it all on my own.
Even though I had several guy friends who said they would be the Dad to my baby... I confronted the real dad only to have him tell me to my face he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. Then I find out later on that he had gotten several other girls pregnant too. I was heartbroken. I think that was the moment I knew that guy will say anything they want without fear of consequences... and that is unfair.
When Mom drove me to get an abortion... I truly didn't want to do it. When I wrote down the reason why being "cause everyone thinks it is for the best" and they told Mom I couldn't do it, I was relieved. I didn't truly want to do it... it scared me.
When Mom later said she could get used to being called a grandma... I was thrilled. I knew my kid was gonna be spoiled... but I was not doing to be the only one to do it.
I knew what I wanted to name her. NATASHA DANIELLE. I picked that name because ... it was the name of the baby I had named of me and a guy friend in high school who did the home-economics carry a baby around assignment. I liked that name... and in truth, I was madly in love with him but he could have cared less about me.
I bought little things here and there .... preparing to be a Mom on my own. I could do this. I could TOTALLY do this. I was excited. I started thinking about what she could do... and I got more excited.
When I miscarried... I didn't really have any thoughts or feelings because truly I checked out. All the dreams I had came crashing down at once and I was just lost.
What hurt most is watching all my peers around me have children and I had lost mine. I'd never get to hold her and go through everything with her. So much is missed. It hurt like hell. I had dreamed of her being good in music like her Mom.... maybe a little of her Dad's wit.... but she'd be so awesome with music and acting... and a good student. To now be denied all those dreams... all the love... was devastating.
So there you have it. A few more thoughts to elaborate on my little girl... whom I know my parents have with them... wherever they are.