Friday

AtoZ Challenge: L = Losing Myself


THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST

L = Losing Myself

When I married my ex husband of 13 years, he changed and controlled me. He molded me into a weak lump of a shell of a person. I wasn't MARTHA anyone. I wasn't anything but his puppet. 

I had to free myself. I guess my heart attack did that for me and in that way it was a blessing (even if it was bad for me). It opened a door so I could climb out and back onto the path to find out who Martha truly was.... is.

The first thing I knew was that I couldn't do things the way "WE" did them. I couldn't rely on anything he and I used to do anymore. I had to figure things out all over again. Almost like a new life. Sadly before I could get on that path good I lost both Mom and Dad....

After picking myself up long after their deaths, I had to get "ME" right again. I sat around countless hours asking myself what I wanted... what made me happy. What did HE take from me that I want back or at least a better version of that?

First off I knew that he told me he hated me dying my hair... so now every 3 months I dye it my natural color just to keep all the grey out. I keep it long even though he said I had to cut it shoulder length... I keep it long (almost to where I can sit on it) because when Mom was dying and she made me shave her head before the treatments took her hair, I promised her I'd grow mine out like she always loved it and would NEVER cut it again... and I haven't. I can sit on it now. 

I knew that I had to find the things I loved again.... Star Wars, WWE, Horror Movies.... and discard the majority of things he said I had to like because of him. 

I lost all of my friends because of him... but I have great people in my life that are my friends even if it is only online.

I started doing things MY way for the first time in 13 years. I was clumsy and unsure with it... but I built up confidence over time and was able to build my strength back up. 

One day, I was sitting here thinking and it hit me... I am completely ME now.

How do I know that?

Nothing he has said in the past, present, or could say in the future would EVER throw me off me being me EVER again. I hardly ever think of him. I try not to mention him... except in passing. I have NO FOND MEMORIES of anything we shared in 13 years and I have completely gotten over everything he did to me.

I am Martha. He didn't destroy me. His stupidity REBUILT a better version of me.



2 comments:

  1. This is brave and deeply wise. I am glad that you know yourself and your worth. They say it takes courage to be who you are meant to be. I think you have that figured out. Hugs.

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  2. I have been in this place too, and it isn't easy at all to pick up all the broken pieces of your life and find a way to put them back together to make a new and even better Martha. It is amazing what people can do to us, but now you are so much stronger and wiser because of that and I know no one will ever be able to take away your spirit again. I love your long hair too! I cut mine short for the last time when I left my ex, a gesture of mourning for all that had transpired. Now It is nearly as long as yours, and I will never cut it again except to trim off the dried ends once in awhile. People sometimes laugh at me for being over sixty with my long hair flying, but my husband loves it, and I do, and that's all that matters. Be true to yourself always, those who truly love you will like you the way you are! XOXO

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