THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST
L = Losing Myself
When I married my ex husband of 13 years, he changed and controlled me. He molded me into a weak lump of a shell of a person. I wasn't MARTHA anyone. I wasn't anything but his puppet.
I had to free myself. I guess my heart attack did that for me and in that way it was a blessing (even if it was bad for me). It opened a door so I could climb out and back onto the path to find out who Martha truly was.... is.
The first thing I knew was that I couldn't do things the way "WE" did them. I couldn't rely on anything he and I used to do anymore. I had to figure things out all over again. Almost like a new life. Sadly before I could get on that path good I lost both Mom and Dad....
After picking myself up long after their deaths, I had to get "ME" right again. I sat around countless hours asking myself what I wanted... what made me happy. What did HE take from me that I want back or at least a better version of that?
First off I knew that he told me he hated me dying my hair... so now every 3 months I dye it my natural color just to keep all the grey out. I keep it long even though he said I had to cut it shoulder length... I keep it long (almost to where I can sit on it) because when Mom was dying and she made me shave her head before the treatments took her hair, I promised her I'd grow mine out like she always loved it and would NEVER cut it again... and I haven't. I can sit on it now.
I knew that I had to find the things I loved again.... Star Wars, WWE, Horror Movies.... and discard the majority of things he said I had to like because of him.
I lost all of my friends because of him... but I have great people in my life that are my friends even if it is only online.
I started doing things MY way for the first time in 13 years. I was clumsy and unsure with it... but I built up confidence over time and was able to build my strength back up.
One day, I was sitting here thinking and it hit me... I am completely ME now.
How do I know that?
Nothing he has said in the past, present, or could say in the future would EVER throw me off me being me EVER again. I hardly ever think of him. I try not to mention him... except in passing. I have NO FOND MEMORIES of anything we shared in 13 years and I have completely gotten over everything he did to me.
I am Martha. He didn't destroy me. His stupidity REBUILT a better version of me.