THEME: STORIES FROM MY PAST
H = HEART ATTACK
A lot of people know the story of my Heart Attack in 2012 it's on a few of the links to your right. You can visit those as you like to know what happened that day... what I want to talk about is something I haven't really said yet.
I was scared.
I didn't know what was happening to me, I thought I was just sick. When the nurse told me I had a massive heart attack after I woke up from surgery... I didn't quite comprehend how a 34 year old could have such a massive heart attack at such a young age.
I also was scared because I knew my NOW ex-husband would abandon me. I knew he would. He did exactly what I knew he would do. I actually wasn't surprised that much that he did it. The only reason I was upset was because I was let down. I knew what kind of man he was... how selfish he was... and I knew now I had to depend on Mom and Dad for a little while.
I didn't think that I'd lose Mom in June and Dad in December of 2013... that fast. So fast, I wonder if I even truly processed the grief until some months after. My family abandoned me .... I lost my home... and I was on my own for the first time in my life.
SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.
I had no one to talk to. No one to rely on. I was alone... and no one cared.
From the moment it happened to this moment RIGHT NOW... I have lived in constant fear of my heart attack... I guess it's because the Doctors say "Oh your heart is at 40%" then they will say "You are doing okay" then they will say "But we need to do this and this test" and after those stress tests, ekg's, and echocardiograms are done they want to do a heart cath even though they say I am fine.
Yea I am scared all the time my heart will return to the way it did when I had my heart attack.
I am scared ALL THE TIME that I will die from this or my asthma.
I try to do better. I do what the doctors say I should (avoid salt, walk, don't lift heavy things, no fried foods, medication) but I don't know how I am truly doing especially when the doctors constantly order tests... and then say I'm okay but they'd still like a heart cath done. Are they just doing this because I am on Medicaid and they can milk it? or are they being cautious?
I don't know... but I can tell you that since the day it happened... my heart attack has become the #1 thing always on my mind.